Postpartum Journey: Part I

Becoming a mom is a funny thing. You go to bed one night, belly full of baby, and end the following day with your arms full instead and your heart full of love. At least, that’s what happened to me.

I’ve spent my entire life dreaming about becoming a mom. What I’d be like, what my kids would look like, how amazing it would be to have a full and complete family, etc. I always knew I’d be the “cool mom” who made cakes from scratch every day and would go to the park and swim and play and, well, just let my kids get dirty just because. However, life changed and I changed after I had my daughter.

Everything seemed to match my dream after she was born. She and I would cuddle on the couch every day. I’d rock and sing her to sleep every time she woke up. I’d sit and read to her. All of those things I’d planned. Then, I received a diagnosis that changed everything. Symptoms that I’d developed during pregnancy that I thought were just strange pregnancy symptoms ended up being a chronic disease called ulcerative colitis. I was devastated. Not only was I no longer able to eat all of the foods that I loved, but I was told I had to go on medication immediately. That meant I had to stop breastfeeding after only 3 months. I fell into a deep depression. I would cry uncontrollably when holding my daughter and no one seemed to understand how I felt. It was like a huge part of my identity as a mom had been ripped away.

After that, I slowly started to develop more and more anxiety related symptoms, which I did not experience in the first months postpartum. These symptoms sparked anger in my ex-husband. He didn’t understand why I was changing and I struggled to find the words to properly explain it to him. As a result, we began to fight more and more and tension was always slightly under the surface of our relationship. My daughter could feel the unease and would take her frustration out on herself by doing things like hitting herself in the head or slapping my ex-husband. To this day, I’m unsure why she only directed her silent anger towards only him.

In February 2015, things got even worse. My ex-husband took a month long internship in Maine. I wanted him to be able to further his career, so I didn’t hold him back. However, along with being a full time mom, I was also a full time student and worked part time for Starbucks. And, of course, I was still suffering from ulcerative colitis symptoms. All of those factors caused me to break from the stress. I began to develop pretty intense OCD tendencies, which I didn’t notice until my ex returned in March. By that point, I had full blown OCD. I had certain routines that I HAD to do before I could move on to something else. And if something changed, I’d have massive melt down and couldn’t function. (For example, if I accidentally bumped into a wall after having a shower, I’d have to go shower again because I felt dirty.) I was no longer able to cook or eat in my house. We spent the majority of the time at my parents’ and would only be home to sleep. Unfortunately, this caused the slowly simmering tension between my ex and I to erupt.

We’d have full blown screaming matches every single night. My almost 1 year old would stand between us and put her hands on both of us to try to calm us down. I remember my heart breaking because of how our inability to function as reasonable adults was causing her so much emotional stress.

Flash forward a year later and we were still up and down in our relationship. I knew that things were to a point where we would never be completely ok, but I struggled with the idea of divorce. I wanted my family together, so I held off doing the inevitable. Then, one night, we had a massive argument and my daughter, now almost 2, stood in between us, yelling for us to stop. I remember feeling like I was slapped in the face with reality. I saw myself in her, as I too used to stand in the middle of my parents to try to redirect their anger. That was when I decided to put her first and end our now toxic romantic relationship. I knew it would be better for all three of us if we no longer lived together and told him it was over shortly after my daughter’s 2nd birthday. We needed the space between us to have a healthy relationship and, more importantly, my daughter needed to know that we didn’t hate each other.

Willingly becoming a single mom was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but it was the best one. My ex and I were able to mend our friendship and begin to heal the emotional wounds that we gave our daughter. Now, at almost 5, she understands my decision and is able to show love to both of us without holding a grudge against either one of us for how we treated the other. (Which is something I can’t say for my personal relationship with my dad.)

These postpartum experiences are, unfortunately, still with me. While I don’t hold any animosity towards my ex for how things turned out, I do wish I could go back the mom I used to be. There are so many days that I’m angry with myself for not being able to hold my daughter’s hand without wanting to go wash my own afterwards and other things that should be natural in motherhood. Thankfully, however, I now have an extremely patient husband who is working as hard as he can to help me heal so maybe one day I’ll be able to return to some sort of normal.

I felt it was important to share my story in full, as it will give you all insight into my second postpartum journey, which I will be posting soon.

Distance

When I first decided to start up this blog, I intended on posting once a week in order to document my self care journey; both for accountability purposes and to help encourage others to also take care of themselves. However, life doesn’t always go according to plan. Over the past couple of weeks, life has given me reasons to take a step back from my online presence, the first and most importantly being my daughter.

My daughter has been through a lot in the 4 (Almost 5!! What the heck?!) years that she’s been on this earth. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis just 3 months after she was born, developed OCD around the time she was turning 1, and had to go through her father and my divorce at the age of two. All of that is a lot for adults to handle, let alone someone of an impressionable age. In my opinion, it’s completely understandable that she has some behavior issues from these life’s events, but lately she has struggled with communicating her feelings effectively. This has made spending time with her an even bigger priority than it was before. Thankfully, knowing that she has a strong emotional support system in her home life has helped her to slowly regain her happy, bubbly nature.

The other was the unexpected passing of my lifelong friend, April. I cannot put into words how much this loss affected me. I have known April since the 1st grade and have always admired her individuality. She was bold, unique, and could light up any room that she walked into with her personality. Not only was she an amazing friend, but she was an even more amazing mother. She left behind 3 beautiful kids who I hope grow to be as free spirited as she always was. And while my pain at her passing will fade with time, my love for her and the memories of her never will.

These factors, along with random flare ups of my ulcerative colitis, have made me take time to heal both emotionally and physically, so I can maybe return to some form of normality. (Well, normal for me at the moment, anyway.) And while distance may seem cold and, well, distant, it is sometimes the biggest form of self care one can give oneself.

Introduction: #selflessnotselfish

Hey guys!

My name is Megan and I am a 33 year old mother of two, wife, and daughter, who is working towards teaching herself to love the person she is so she can become stronger and more mentally sound. What do I mean exactly? Well, let me start from the beginning.

When I first created the Meg With Love brand, I had intended to focus on nutrition, food science, and recipe development. The name actually came from a play on the term “made with love” and my name. (Haha…Clever, right? )  Anyway, my motivation for that project lasted only a few months, as I never had the opportunity to work on recipes. This was due to the fact that I struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder, which prevents me from being comfortable cooking or even eating in my own house. (Thankfully, I live right next to my parents so my family and I don’t have to eat out all the time.) Unfortunately, however, this has prevented me from following my passion of becoming a professional recipe developer.

While I have struggled with mental health issues in the past (namely anxiety and depression), I never have felt as mentally crippled as I have with OCD. It consumes every part of my thoughts, especially when I am at home. Instead of focusing on important tasks that I need to complete, I obsessively think over the routines I must follow in order to feel somewhat comfortable in my own skin. This isn’t just taxing on my own mental health, but also those who are important to me. Which is where the new version of Meg With Love comes in.

I made a resolution to myself at the end of last year that I would focus on self care. That I would become a version of myself that not only I love, but is also less of a burden on my friends and family. (The term burden may sound over dramatic, but I’m not naive enough to think that my condition is manageable and reasonable for others to deal with. Thankfully, though, I am surrounded by an amazing group of people who are willing to adapt to this newly formed lifestyle and be there for me, no matter what.)

To do this, I plan on focusing on trying products and other things that make me feel good on the inside and outside. My first self care adventure, was to try and clear up my complexion. I happened across a company called Flawless by Friday, which sold me on their products after just reading the descriptions. If you haven’t already, I’d like to direct you to watch the video at the top of this post. As you can see, I was hooked after the first day. It is now almost 2 weeks later and my skin still feels like satin, even though some of the redness remains. I’m not super concerned about that, as I know that my ulcerative colitis (which I’ll go into more depth about in future posts) causes me to have skin issues. I go into a little more detail on the 5 day mask system on my Instagram , so head on over there to see the final results of my week usage. (I’m waiting on another pack to arrive in the mail so I can do it again and hopefully show you how truly awesome this product is.)

So, there you have it. From this blog to my Instagram, I will be working to show accountability for my efforts and hope that you will also join me in indulging in much needed self care. Until next time, you lovely people! And remember: be #selflessnotselfish because, honestly, who doesn’t need a little guilt-free time for themselves?